On the heels of the high-visibility grand opening of the Trump International Hotel in Washington, DC’s Old Post Office building, the international chain of luxury hotel properties has announced plans to open a second location in the Nation’s Capital.
“People everywhere — Russia, China, Britain, France, Germany, even New Jersey — can’t talk about anything but the reservations they have with Trump. Clearly, the word is out: if you want to get things done in Washington, call Trump,” said an anonymous Trump Hotels spokesperson. “In fact, we’ve had such an unbelievable response to our Trump International Hotel at 1100 Pennsylvania Avenue, we’ve decided to do a bit of urban renewal and convert another dilapidated property into a world class showcase.”
Trump has recently acquired the rights to an historic building across Pennsylvania Avenue from Lafayette Square, midway between 15th and 17th Streets.
“It won’t open right away,” explained the spokesperson. “The structure is more than 200 years old and really showing its age. It will require substantial demolition and refurbishing to bring it up to Trump standards.”
The property has actually been classified as public housing for many years, although there is office space attached. “We’re not sure whether it was considered a home-office or just office space with a bedroom upstairs. But in either case, it was sort of quaint; it looks like it might have been a good place to start a small business.”
“It’s going to take a huge investment to bring the property up to Trump standards,” the spokesperson said. “We’re talking about massive amounts of Italian marble and gold leaf gilt to give it that warm, cozy feel that epitomizes our properties.”
“We’re already designing new signage for the property: a very understated TRUMP WHITE HOUSE in twelve-foot high gold letters, although we’ll have to completely redo the building’s roof to get rid of what look like a lot of radar and radio antennas, satellites and sentry posts.”
President-elect and CEO Donald Trump himself was not available for comment on the new project. Sources close to his personal staff said he will continue working out of his New York City high-rise, which reportedly is itself undergoing a name change from Trump Tower to Donald Trump’s Headquarters America.
Dave Helfert has been a political and governmental communicator for more than 30 years, writing speeches for elected officials and candidates, creating media in more than 200 political campaigns, working for six years as a Communications Director in the Clinton Administration and then nine years in the U.S. House.
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